I've just spent evening unforgiven. I can't bring myself to do it.
I'm guilty and I know it.
It starts with me knowing that I'm clumsy. My dad always reminded me of it. "if benjy doesn't spill something then it's not benjy".... Later my friends would comment how I'd end up spilling a drink.
I'm clumsy. I accept it. I don't take we'll to others telling me so, but I am prone to spilling... A lot.
I also always got told off when younger about the damage I would cause.
Today Joshie through just sitting and shaking his leg caused the computer to fall. I overreacted to him. He paused and then broke into tears saying he didn't know it was there. How would he it was hidden under the table. It fell nonetheless. He was clearly upset and upset that he'd upset me. I, too, was upset that it fell.
We said sorry to each other and forgave one another too. Yet I can't seem to let go that I made him cry. So many times I wished that someone else knew my hurt at similar accidents. I lived in fear whenever something went wrong that my father would be livid with me. It feels like history is repeating itself.
Just went into their bedroom giving the usual late night kiss n touch their head and said sorry again.
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