nervous

today's the day we fly.

i've done this before. angie has done this before. caleb has even done this before.

but we've never done this before: 12 hours on a plane crossing 8 hours of time zones, attempt the already difficult task of sleeping in the flying bird with little ones, taking joshie on a plane, fly as a family, all this and more.

nervous? ... very.

there's is comfort from the fact that we're not the first to do this. there is comfort from the tips that we have read. there is even comfort from the prayers promised to us.

whilst i am really excited about hong kong, the fun, the wedding and work... did i mention that i'm nervous?

marriage course: forgiveness

angie & i have recently been doing the marriage course.

it came about after we were invited to go on it and one of our good friends, just recently completed their course jumped in and said how amazing it was and even offered to baby sit.

we, after some time, said why not. it would be great to spend some evenings looking at marriage, our marriage and talking to one another. it certainly would be good to get some time out.

usually get a little skeptic about these "help" type groups and went in thinking yeah this will just be a dos as we've got it sorted.

we're in week 4 and already we're discovering some hard truths about issues that we've left latent.

last night we were hearing about the power of forgiveness in your relationship. how it is not a feeling, about justice or even a right. rather it is a choice and act of will. also we were reminded that it is costly act and one that isn't a simply just a cure or instant remedy.

what i did hear was that whilst it is not a cure, it is a place for where rebuilding and recovery can start and a place where letting go of hurt can happen.

the lady, Sue B, who leads on this course shared this phenomenal reading of a holocaust victim meeting with one of her former tormentors in a church and is faced with a choice of forgiveness or holding onto her hatred that has defined her for so long:

It was in a church in Munich where I was speaking in 1947 that I saw him--a balding heavyset man in a gray overcoat, a brown felt hat clutched between his hands. One moment I saw the overcoat and the brown hat, the next, a blue uniform and a visored cap with its skull and crossbones.

Memories of the concentration camp came back with a rush: the huge room with its harsh overhead lights, the pathetic pile of dresses and shoes in the center of the floor, the shame of walking naked past this man. I could see my sister's frail form ahead of me, ribs sharp beneath the parchment of skin.

Betsie and I had been arrested for concealing Jews in our home during the Nazi occupation of Holland. This man had been a guard at Ravensbruck concentration camp where we were sent.

Now he was in front of me, hand thrust out: "A fine message, fraulein! How good it is to know that, as you say, all our sins are at the bottom of the sea!"

It was the first time since my release that I had been face to face with one of my captors and my blood seemed to freeze.

"You mentioned Ravensbruck in your talk," he was saying. "I was a guard there. But since that time," he went on, "I have become a Christian. I know that God has forgiven me for the cruel things I did there, but I would like to hear it from your lips as well. Fraulein--" again the hand came out--"will you forgive me?"

And I stood there--and could not. Betsie had died in that place--could he erase her slow terrible death simply for the asking?

It could not have been many seconds that he stood there, hand held out, but to me it seemed hours as I wrestled with the most difficult thing I had ever had to do.

For I had to do it--I knew that. The message that God forgives has a prior condition: that we forgive those who have injured us. "If you do not forgive men their trespasses," Jesus says, "neither will your Father in Heaven forgive your trespasses."

Still I stood there with the coldness clutching my heart. But forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart. "Jesus, help me!" I prayed silently. "I can lift my hand. I can do that much. You supply the feeling."

And so woodenly, mechanically, I thrust my hand into the one stretched out to me. And as I did, an incredible thing took place. The current started in my shoulder, raced down my arm, sprang into our joined hands. And then this healing warmth seemed to flood my whole being, bringing tears to my eyes.

"I forgive you, brother!" I cried. "With all my heart!"

For a long moment we grasped each other's hands, the former guard and former prisoner. I had never known God's love so intensely as I did then.

illness

tis the season for illness.

caleb & joshie have been fairly ill this past week. :(

it sucks when they're ill. caleb, usually, mr hyper, is snuggling up under a blanket watching tv snuggled in on angie's lap.

it made me recall back to my days of being ill. mum would leave me snuggled up on the sofa and allow me to watch tv. occasionally i'd get up and make a colonial viper or x-wing out of the lego that she had brought down for me to play with. it was sad that often she had to leave me to work.

mummy and papa used to always pamper me. i recall when i left home to go to kenya or college my one fear was falling ill and not having my mum near by to look after me.

i look down and see caleb snuggled on angie's lap. both he, and joshie, are looking to their mummy, as i did, for their comfort in those weak times.

caffeine & energy drinks

so i've been finding myself grabbing more energy drinks over the past few months than i ever have. i even once or twice resorted to caffeine tablets.

it's not so much that i like the taste. rather the boost it could give me.

energy drinks are legal in this country as is coffee.

from my understanding of addiction, the treatment is centered on the addict rather than the substance.

i get the link between the two. sometimes it's easier to go on what you are used to than to stop

i guess i'm just tired.

a mad rush

if ever you have a passports that need renewing, do it a year before their deadline. do not wait till the last two weeks. and do not do 3 at the same time with the same deadline. if, however, you do wish to cut it fine then this is our learning for you.

first thing to do is the decision making process. in our case, i was telling angie about how i'm going to be away most of october: first in hong kong, for work and a colleague's wedding, and then later to lebanon. i had a week inbetween each. whilst giving some of the more intracate details such as where and when and the ramifications of me being away angie proposed "what if we were to come with you?". jumping on the chance i followed up with a routine "you serious?"... and then a well we better sort it out quick as i'm not sure there'll be a place for us to stay re the wedding. so we made a deal: if there was a room for us then we go. no room, no trip.

i sent a quick text to a colleague. she texted back immediately to say there was one room left (the wedding is in 3 weeks) and she's given it to us. we're going to hong kong.

the second thing to do, the bit i perhaps like less: the organising. as i'm learning when travelling with a family the whole situation is more complex: working out optimum times that the kids would sleep, their sleeping arrangements, the cost-benefit of direct/indirect flights.

i might add one big feature is the finance too. we really don't have the kind of money that this warrants to spare. but we've made the decision. but this really is another matter and i may tell it at a later stage...

we all quickly realised that the only person with a valid passport was caleb. so we had to obtain 3 passports within 2.5 weeks. the challenge is set.

after a day of form filling chasing around to get countersignatures, photographs, getting joshie to sit still through his photo shoot we managed to book an appointment to get these done with a week fast track service. [note: i did not know that you're not allowed to smile for your passport photographs until i went to the shop to get mine done]

so as i left this morning (too early) to london i realised on the train that i had left one of my ID forms behind and also we were already carrying a form with a countersignature outside the explicit no go areas on the form (the blurb states that this invalidates the form in big bold letters). so as i walk to get my tube. the announcement stated that all tubes had been canceled. dang, i had 15 mins to get across london, on foot, what would take 15 mins on tube. the likelihood that i was going to make it on time for my "set in stone" appointment. gosh.

i do what any man would. walk in the right direction. trying to catch a bus and perhaps flag a bus down. praying that i would make it i look in my wallet and i have 10 quid... is that enough for a cab?... well let's see...

after trying to cross 8 roads and heavy london traffic i manage to get a cab. the cabbie said that it would be touch n go whether i'd make the appointment but he'd try his best.

he did just that. in fact he managed to add his conspiracy theories about the "added security" across the government buildings pro bono. he made his point that we have all this security and it's really just a show. if we're going to have terrorists they'll find away. hmmm... thanks.

i got into the passport office slightly late. i was told to be there 15 minutes early to allow time for security checks. it was like an airport. x ray machines, boxes for your change and phones, security guards. they say allow 15 mins to get through security. it took me 3. phew... i am by somewhat a miracle 3 minutes early. now all we need to get through is the official and the red tape.

i wait. close my eyes and say thanks for being here in time. as i open my eyes my number gets called. i walk over to the counter.

the gentleman first spotted that my countersignature person had not included their passport details on the form. the form is invalid.

he suggested that i could make a call. worth a shot. so i phoned jonny whilst on duty at heathrow airport (he stops bad guys... can't say more as if i did...) he said he had written it on the back of a card that angie stuck in one of the envelopes. like a magician with a hat i stretched my hand inside the envelope and pulled out a card. i didn't notice it before. looked at all the scribbles of names and telephone notes and then i saw a number. it was jonny's handwriting. bingo. i write the number on all 3 forms.

now for the tricky bit. i confessed. i mentioned that one of the signatures had gone outside of the explicitly "do NOT go outside of the box" part of the form. he calmly shrugs it aside and said that it's fine. what? all that tension and nervousness about how we live in an age of terrorism and this is the governments clampdown on the citizens rooting out the bad eggs to be calmed in one second. hang on maybe that cabbie was right.

so with all that adventure and what seemed to battling the government, transport system and bureaucracy we got our 3 passports.

we're off to hong kong... now about the money... :)

no time like the present

i am finding myself desperately short of time. i have a to do list that's longer than the hours of the day and with deadlines that are all yesterday.

i keep listening to hear many people say similar things. "if only i had more time...", "there are not enough hours in the day", "we need to be guarding our time"...

personally, i'm feeling a little hard done here by the constant time factor in my life... it's not that i want more of it, but rather i feel that there's something not quite right about my, or our, perception of it. i can't put my finger on it.

a late night account

so i've been up the last few nights trying to get my head around accounts. not so much the figures stuff, but just the phenomenal terminology.

wittgenstein used to refer to language games and this is clearly the language game of accountants.

thankfully, i'm surrounded by a few people that are wiser than me that have been able to advise accordingly.

but honestly... does anyone else have problems getting past the basics... i mean real basics, like how to spell "accounts"...

konichiwa

so we met up with one of angie's old friends from her college days rie. she was over from japan with her family.

it was a fun trip up to london and some nice time of catching up and family bonding. whilst our language skills were ok... it was simply amazing to just hang out and we had such a delightful afternoon eating pizza, chasing squirrels and ducks, running around and eating yummy japanese sweets.

... oh and caleb and saki had a great time :)

smallville: the early years

little to offer

believe it or not i'm a kind of person that is quite negative about myself. i don't think i have much to offer, nor do i view myself as particularly talented.

i often have "shower moments" when i think, sometime to angie's amusement out loud, "what on earth am i doing... surely we need some professional whatsit to do this."

still being in the business of volunteering i often look around and see such latent talent. many people have said they don't know what they could do. i usually bite my lip, but think man surely it's a case of what can't you do. the sky's the limit... the world's your oyster.

i was brought up with my mother always telling me that i could do anything. yeah, mum i'm still waiting for NASA to call me up for their next trip. but i do still hold to her words and believe at somepoint i will write my book, that i will become a musician and that in the future..... hmmmm. i guess what it comes down to: my mother gave me was hope. hope that i could be that proverbial person that is not looking at the gutter, but towards the stars.

recently, i have been working with a couple of volunteers that have kindly given up their summer and i have seen them try out some pretty cool stuff. one in particular impressed me with his "can do" attitude. a willingness to throw himself into what many would deem as "scary" situations.

what amazed me was not so much his skill set, but just the sheer humility of the purpose and the will to step out of his comfort zones. he reminded me of this hope that my mum used to speak of.

... i'm pretty sure NASA are going to call tomorrow.

back to basics

having just come back from a holiday in a basic farm house in wales i am feeling somewhat "natural" or "manly".

it was a holiday where all we did was chop wood, make fires, eat & drink and hang out at beaches. no fancy museums or novelty theme parks, no zoos or other artificial entertainment venues and certainly limited mod cons.


not that i did much wood cutting nor hunting for animals albeit i did watch pete cast his fishing rod, but i went with a bunch of people and certain roles started to emerge. the fire gatherers, the cooks, the child keepers, the fire starters and the entertainers. i had heaps of fun.

caleb & joshie got to hang out with other kids and play. they loved the beach: trying to build holes, sandcastles, crab catching, climbing rocks, jumping in the sea, eating sand and swimming.

i gotta confess in the build up to the holiday i was somewhat nervous at the simplicity of the place and found myself thinking if only there was central heating or decent beds. however, in the aftermath i found that whilst the place was not a luxurious pad it was a magical place that allowed me, as a city clicker, a semi chance of getting back to basics.

already looking forward to next year :)

(here's a vid of angie & jo's b'day party that we threw for them :)

wedding season

one weekend. two weddings.

simon & esther on friday and holly & matt yesterday. both top gigs.



this is our fourth wedding of the year and we have another potential 4 to go.

usually at weddings there are some readings of love or something precious to the couple at one of these weddings was a great reading that made me smile:

“Once upon a time there was a girl I knew, who lived across the street. Brown hair, brown eyes. When she smiled, I smiled. When she cried, I cried. Every single thing that ever happened to me that mattered, in some way had to do with her. That day (we) promised each other that no matter what, that we'd always be together. It was a promise full of passion and truth and wisdom. It was the kind of promise that can only come from the hearts of the very young.” (from the Wonder Years)

loved that show... brilliant :)

gh-ers: past n present

at tom & nat's wedding on saturday i manged to have a rare reunion with some of global hand uk's previous volunteers... those who have worked with me over the years.

sadly phil vincent was not to be found and chris watts and howie murray were absent... still twas nice to see some of the old faces. :)

(from left to right: sal begbie, kate falconer, alice keen, olga k, mal begbie, tom williams, ali mcfarlane, nat williams, charlotte hails, isabel ashwell, benjy & angie)

MIA

somehow i knew this day would come. kinda like that feeling when you know something is going to end.

monkey, caleb's partner in crime for the past 12 months, has disappeared.



it was a routine trip back from the grandparents. somewhere along the terrain between the proverbial "A" and "B", monkey managed to get left behind. our family "leave no man, or monkey, behind" policy kicked in and we extended an extensive search and rescue program. to date: nada.

hope is desperately fading. memories come flooding back of all the adventures, caleb's insistence for us to pray for him every night and reminder of his inclusion in our family outfit. at first, he was just another amongst the ranks of army of cuddly toys... but he rose to the top, against fierce competition from tiger and naughty monkey.

the atmosphere in the camp is grim. principally from angie and me. i'm currently at step five in the mourning process: anger. i still believe he's out there waiting for us to rescue him...

the dilemma: should we replace him or treat this as a valuable "life lesson" of loss and remembrance?...

whatever the dilemmas, rescue mission planning and constant re-living of the sequence of events and journey to uncover any clues... the truth of the matter is: i miss him.

i have never bought a car

i've had 5 cars... and just about to get another.

they have all been of outstanding. some great "innings" and memories: the general taking me to my wedding, cruising the streets in the beemer, bringing both my children home from the hospital and constant trips . even had one nicked and then returned to me.

the one thing each of these cars have in common: they were all gifts. i have never purchased a car... at least not a full size one.

we certainly have got huge reason to celebrate these gifts and what they have enabled us to do.

now i am passing one on to our nephew in and about to receive our 6th car. all i can say is wow... WOW... we are very blessed :)

happy father's day

a few pics of the boys and me
:)

play time

i've always been an inclusive type of guy. i don't normally like to leave somebody out. if i got a party, i got to contact everybody rather than just a select few. i enjoy big crowds.

recently, we were at a somebody else's house for lunch.

it was an affair where you leave the kids to play with each other, they had 3 girls, while the adults sit around the table to chat.

we had this incredible meal where we were all together and joshie was crawling around whilst caleb was in the big chairs and eating away.

it was a lovely time trying to talk to friends and spending some lovely time over a nice meal.

then when the kids all finished they all went to play outside. well joshie continued to crawl around by our feet.

every now and again i would look outside to see what caleb was up to. hoping he wasn't ripping their garden up or abusing the girls. i always seem to have several nerves going that caleb is going to go on a war path.

as i looked out i was struck by a sight that has haunted me. it was the three girls playing away and enjoying each other thoroughly. caleb was there watching them but all by himself. the girls were ignoring him. he was trying to get on with a few things but he kept looking over to see the fun that the others were having.

instantly i wanted to run over and play with him. give him a hug. show him how how much i enjoy his company... my heart went out for him.

one time caleb did find a bat and ball to play with and one of the girls came over to ask him for it. amazingly he handed it over. it was received only to be discarded shortly after. caleb again had nothing.

there was one particular sight where the three girls were in this play house playing and they had shut the door and all i saw was caleb walking over to peer in at the window at them having a great time.

i know its just kids playing and i don't hold anyone responsible nor do i believe it was malicious or intentional, but as a dad seeing your boy isolated, alone and without love was a sight, a thought and a memory that still haunts me.

karate kid...

nice pic... but is that a shark coming out that chap's roof?.... of course

the headington shark. one i always see when we visit our friends in headington always impresses & amuses me.

bill heine, the owner said: "The shark was to express someone feeling totally impotent and ripping a hole in their roof out of a sense of impotence and anger and desperation… It is saying something about CND, nuclear power, Chernobyl and Nagasaki."

"augustus gloop"

i've been doing my best german accent for the past week saying two words only: "augustus gloop". i've been working away and muttering the words and walking round the house practicing my accents...

fyi- he's a character in charlie and the chocolate factory.

a little background: we were in oxford last weekend and i watched a bit of the film, as part of caleb's bedtime routine, and saw the scene where augustus is introduced. the impression was made. and the words were already swirling round my head.

since coming back we were again watching the film as part of caleb's bedtime... and with out prompting, caleb just turned round to me and said "gloop" in his best accent (which sounded much like his normal one save for extended vowels sounds).

now all i'm saying is "gloop" in caleb's accent.

still last month i was saying "lord farquaad" in my best dutch accent after repeat viewings of shrek as part of bedtime routines.